sleep…

I dream about falling asleep. About a whisper that could slide between my cracked lips and ease the burn in my throat. A thought that would turn this raging furnace into a cool, still lake. But I distract myself. I dream of the things I could say, if I could hold his hand under the shadow of a city, and stand on the edge of a green cliff over a sea. But when I close my eyes, the gold in between the cracks of the blinds is dimmed to soft starlight, and I raise my hand, and shadows of lace tattoo my fingers. This is it… the breath, the pulse, between where everything is still and where everything changes and is thrown to chance. A trickle, a drop of water, suspended between a river and a glacier. So we look neither forward nor backward.

Words, pages, white – so much white – and dreams and faces that watch me even when I’m awake. The coolness in the air fights my heavy breath, and lights my fragile, volatile skin.

The light is changing now, deepening to vanilla blue. Hints of violet brush the afternoon. If I fell asleep now, I think I would stay here for a long time. I could. I could stop and hold my heartbeat and forget everything forward and behind. It’s getting harder to swallow, and the words on this page blur with the pain of sight. My soul feels the day and longs for flight, but my heart is too tired and my body aches for stillness. I’ll return. This moment will pass, and I will never again remember it. But now…

must…

sleep…

 

grey

You are the greyness of the sky above me, biting the black of these buildings. The damp world puddles at my feet and I stir it with my thoughts. I fall. Fell. But you were everywhere else but waiting for me.

I touch the pavement beneath. It is hot and wet with spring rain and my feet curl into the rainbows of the black roadways. Your voice is a single note, a cello, and it leads me forward and pulls me under the streets until I fall into the saltwater beneath. And as I stare at all these underwater tunnels, I hold my breath because I know which one leads to you. I know every inch of the inside, and I am so deep in imagining what it would be like that I can feel the cracked surface, each inch of tar, the bumps and ridges of stone. I could surface and see your face. I hold my breath, but you aren’t holding yours. And I see everywhere else I could go. You aren’t the oldest road I could swim through to the light. I could stay beneath city streets. Because somewhere the music grows quiet and I can feel my own melodies and somehow it is cooling. My skin is hot and the rumble of life above me makes me tremble. I pause.

How long have I lived? you wonder. I say: How many times have I whispered? Here the world is hanging from a string and spinning, strange and merciful, like the loosened voice of peace. And nothing is as spacious as this moment.

strangers

Just because I haven’t called you doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you. Just because I haven’t told you that I need you doesn’t mean that I’m not longing each second to show up at your door. Just because you’ve stopped thinking of me doesn’t mean you aren’t my last thought when I sumberge beneath a stormy sleep. And when it’s 3 AM and I’m lying here, watching the Christmas lights above my bed flicker, not hearing the music through my headphones – that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I were laughing with you right now. I think that if I were to see you again, my heart would twist and constrict, would thud like the heavy clunk of broken machinery, and I don’t think I could breathe. Maybe you would feel something, too. But then it hits me: we’re nothing more than strangers. But I’m still here for you. I won’t stop waiting. I won’t stop being ready for when you want me in your life again. And all I want to know is if you’re happy now.

I try to tell myself that I don’t, but deep down, I still care.

again

around
                                                          the skyscrapers
i spin. my lungs burst
                                                          and streets burn with light
when im thinking of you, of
                                                          yellow daylight caressing
swollen fields and
                                                          the smooth surfaces
of your fingers
                                                          pulling my heartstrings,
running through my hair
                                                          softly twirling
and rustling against
                                                          me again.
the soft breath of
                                                          a whisper in the
pines, echoing through the
                                                          smoky air listens to the
night. the milky twilight becomes
                                                          melodies, echoing, through a city, and
fields of fireflies, dancing to
                                                          the song of you,
the stars over the hills,
                                                          and the planes flying up,
taking me up to the sky
                                                          and far away.

beautiful people

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

love her like

When he is being annoying, love him like you’d love a sibling.

When she is being depressing, love her like she’s going to kill herself tomorrow. [She might.]

When he is being demanding, love him like he’s your dad.

When she is acting like she hates you, love her like you love a God who loves her. [He does.]

When he loves you, love him back.

Then take this list and scratch out the first half of every sentence.

[Don't live like it's your last day. Live like it's theirs.]

[Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8]

fade the night

Fade the night, fade the night.
Feel the sun come alive.
Falling stars bite the sky,
Claim the earth beneath our feet.
Feel the pulse. Feel the beat.
Drive me towards the dancing light.
Time and space reunite.
Solace let the embers die.
Shake the devils, stand alone.
This is good. This is home.

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Fade the night, fade the night.
Feel my heart – I haven’t died.
What more could I ask of me?
Strike and throb. Only be.
Hands are strong. Hands can harm.
Fateful scars tear at my arms.
Sear my soul. Score my heart.
Dance and fall. Strike and thud.

Pounding drums, burning lungs.
Hearts are old but hands are young.
Hit the earth. Feet are raw.
Strike the pulse, brave the heat,
Breathe again, breathe the beat.

air grows (thin)

I am shedding my own old skin, leaving trails, gaping holes for the light to shine in.
Surrounding what is left of this old world. Watching as the planet too leaves itself behind.
Only the rhythms escape in, draw out the harmonies. Reach in. Everything empty. Cloudy.
Can’t see. The gulf collides.
I love and miss and everything inbetween.
In my sanest moments I’m convinced this was a dream.
Nothing more…
…or less.
I find the gulf between us and fall. Air grows (thin).
Our connection is ice and
warmth
melted
it
all.
Falling out of bliss. Torn asunder.
So carry me away. Find me a new place.
For here I lie in state beneath miles of ice. An old ocean. Where silver goes to die.
Frozen and wasted. Numb
….and can’t feel.

(…Remember that day?
I would give anything to have held you tighter.)

But at the end….

Anew.
Afresh.
Awashed in glow.

New, tender, raw thought. Spring from crossed hands.
Leaves curl.
Tendrils gasp.
A fresh heart. My sun. Every ray beats. Once, twice. It hurts. It burns. Alive.
Breath deep and smile over and over again.
How could I ever say these dreams were empty?

(It’s not over.)

Beneath lonesome skies, I stand. Icy waves grope on. Receding waters burn blood red under dark suns.
Beneath a longest moon.
On                               I feel
grey                             them
boats                              drown me.
Or try to. I almost let them.
All my hopes from long ago, before that day –
they swim to surface. Stare me in the face. Red eyes. Sleepless crying.
But I know what a sea does not.
We have shed our skins.
Black tide dances, deep and frozen. But I have seen life.
Bleaky grey beneath paper skies.
Hearts burn.
Lungs collapse.
Breathe
and
dive
in.